Someone once said, "People are dying not so much from what they're eating, but rather from what's eating them." Now, I don't know who said this, but I do know that they were 100% correct.

So often, in our quest not to rock the boat, we end up going down with the ship. We simply don't speak up for ourselves often enough. Instead, we allow our hurts, slights and insults to boil up under the surface until we either erupt in a fit of anger or we allow these negative feelings to literally eat us alive. Obviously, neither one of these outcomes makes for a very pleasant or fulfilling dash.

For that reason, I strongly suggest that you learn to get things off your chest, whether in business or in your personal life. Learning to speak up early, often and effectively is one of the greatest skills you can possess in life.

Like everything else in life, confronting problems with others is better done earlier than later. If someone makes a hurtful remark, it's much better to voice your displeasure at the outset of the relationship than 20 years down the line. By that point, it's too late - for both of you. Your hurt and resentment has probably cut wounds that are too deep to heal. Likewise, the other person's behavior towards you is so ingrained by that point that they probably couldn't stop acting that way even if they tried. And they'll be less likely to make the effort because, in their mind, if you've put up with it for that long, it couldn't bother you that much anyway.

Also, don't expect that one comment from you is going to completely resolve the situation. Remember, it's likely that the other person isn't singling you out for mistreatment. This is the way they treat everyone. For example, if you have a customer who is constantly late in paying their bills, they probably pay all of their vendors late. As a result, one comment from you isn't likely to change their behavior. The same thing is true if you have a loved one who says negative and hurtful things. They probably act this way towards everyone. Therefore, don't assume that their entire personality is going to change over night because your feelings got hurt. Life doesn't work that way.

Get It Off Your Chest (Part II)

Of course, this doesn't mean that you have to accept or put up with abusive behavior either. The key is to train the other person to treat you how you deserve to be treated. And just with any other type of training, it often takes several attempts to get it right. And even when the training has been completely, people have to be brought in for "refresher courses" from time to time.

The same thing applies in this situation. If you choose to deal with the person, then you may have to repeat yourself a few times before you see a change. And even then, you may have to refresh their memory from time to time.

Finally, when you do speak up for yourself, you must do so effectively. In other words, you must find a way to speak so that the other person will listen. This is the challenging part for most people because they fear they will say the wrong thing and that a relatively minor problem will turn into a major problem. However, as we've discussed, what might be a minor problem today will be a major problem in the future if you don't deal with it.

The best way to deal with the problem is to do so with firm understanding. What I mean is that you should be understanding of the other person's point of view but firm in your resolve to correct their behavior.

For example, if you have a supplier who continually fails to meet deadlines, you should approach them by trying to understand what is causing them to fall below your expectations. You could say something like, "John, I'm not sure you're aware of this, but your company has missed its last three deadlines with us. Is there some way that we could help you to get the work done on time?" Once, you understand where John is coming from, you may discover that he wasn't even aware of the delay or that the delay was excusable given the situation. In this case, by speaking up, you've saved yourself the frustration from feeling that John isn't keeping his end of the bargain.

On the other hand, you may discover that there is no valid reason for the delay. In this case, you should let John know that you understand that we all fail to meet expectations from time to time and then help him to understand why it's important for you to have the work completed on time. In some cases, you might have to explain to John the consequences if his company fails to meet the next deadline. "John, I'm going to be very candid with you. If we don't get the next shipment by April 3rd, we're going to have to find another supplier."

You can take the same tact in personal relationships. If you have a friend that is constantly saying hurtful things to you, then you could say something like, "Jill, I've been wondering why you always make fun of my appearance. Is there something that you think I could change that I'm not changing?" Many times, Jill will not even realize that she's been so cruel and immediately apologize. Even still, you can simply follow up by saying something like, "Jill, now you know I value your friendship. However, it's really important for me to be around people who make me feel better about myself and not worse. Therefore, if you continue to belittle me, then I'll be forced to spend time with more positive people."

Now, you might be thinking, "I could never say something like that. It's so harsh." No, it's not. It's called "honesty." And trust me, it's a lot less damaging than what you will say when you finally blow your stack. And it's certainly less damaging than what you're doing to yourself by keeping it all bottled up inside.