In my coaching practice, I find that one of the major issues for most of us is dealing with the need for forgiveness. Let's face it. We've all been hurt by others. Or, in other words, we've all suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. In some cases, these slings have been hurled by strangers and acquaintances. However, more often, we've been targeted by friends and loved ones. Obviously, these are the wounds that cut deepest and are the ones in greatest need of repair.

The simple truth is that resentment will do more to rob your dash than any other mental condition. No matter how rich, famous and successful you become, you'll never be truly happy so long as you're harboring resentment. Anger will eat away at any chance of experiencing joy in the present and even worse, it will steal your future. When you're angry, toxic levels of adrenaline and noradrenaline are released into your blood stream. Over time, these hormones can cause high blood pressure, heart attacks, strokes and kidney problems. Confucius was right when he said, "An angry person is always full of poison." Therefore, if we're going to make the most of our dashes, we must find a way to avoid the poison of anger.

The classic wisdom in this regard is the recommendation that you "forgive and forget" the wrongs of others. Well, as with many pieces of so- called wisdom, this is half right. You must certainly forgive those who have hurt you. However, the way to do so is not to forget their actions but rather to remember them and forgive them anyway.

For one, the advice to forget is impractical in most cases. Sure, it's easy to forget a minor trespass like the person who cuts you off in traffic or steals "your" parking space at the mall. These are minor matters that should be forgotten quickly. In fact, they shouldn't be given a second thought in the first place. However, how do you go about forgetting a major transgression, such as infidelity, sexual abuse or some other violent crime? As the victim of sexual abuse, let me tell you that this isn't something that you can ever completely forget.

Therefore, instead of attempting the impossible, the key is to learn to give the experience a new, more powerful meaning for you. Besides, there are lessons to be learned from every situation in life. In fact, one of the most powerful lessons to learn is that you're a survivor and that you're bigger than anything that could possible happen to you. Obviously, by going into denial about your past, you run the risk of not learning this most important of all life's lessons.

Secondly, you shouldn't forget past hurts if you hope to protect yourself from being re-injured in the future. As the old expression goes, "Fool me once; shame on you. Fool me twice; shame on me." If you want your old wounds to heal, then you can't have them constantly re-opened by your attackers. This requires that you remember what happened in the past and learn to avoid it in the future.

In some cases, avoiding future attacks is easy because you no longer have contact with your abuser. However, in some cases, the source of your past pain is a close friend or family member. For this reason, you may be forced to come into contact with this person from time to time. In those cases, it's extremely important to remember the past pain and look for ways to avoid it.

For example, let's suppose you have friends and family members who are dream killers. I know there are certainly some of those kinds of people in my family. In the past, I've excited shared my dreams with these people, only to have them ridicule me. After all, how was I, Mr. Least Likely to Succeed, going to start a multi-million dollar brokerage firm? Or how was I, Mr. Convicted Felon, going to start a national personal coaching practice?

The jeers and taunts of complete strangers can be painful. However, these same cries from your supposed "loved ones" can be outright devastating. Over time, I've learned to avoid this pain by simply not sharing with my dreams with these people. Instead, we talk about other things - the kids, the weather, sports, etc. I'd suggest that you do the same thing with your critics. Likewise, if you know that a discussion about religion or politics is going to turn ugly with a certain family member, then avoid that topic before the insults start flying.

Of course, you can only do these things if you remember the past. And if you want to move to that all-important stage of forgiveness, then you must remember what you're forgiving the other person for in the first place. In fact, only by clearly remembering the source of your pain can you possibly come to grips with it and forgive the other person for their part in it.

For example, I only learned to forgive the dream killers in my life when I clearly looked back on the situation and began to see that their attacks were reactions to their own frustrations and broken dreams. When looked at from this standpoint, my anger turned to pity. I felt sorry that life had beaten their dreams out of them. In fact, I began to see that, in a strange way, they were actually trying to protect me from the frustration and disappointment they had experienced at one point in life.

I suspect that your tormentors and attackers have been the same way. Their unkind words and actions had very little to do with you. They were in response to some deep-seated pain within them. Not knowing how to handle these feelings, they lashed out at you. When viewed in this light, their actions are certainly not justified but they are forgivable.

And even if they don't deserve to be forgiven, you deserve to forgive them. Remember, whenever you choose to remember your trespassers and forgive them anyway, you are doing yourself the biggest favor. You're freeing yourself to enjoy all the good things that this life has to offer. And by avoiding the toxic effects of anger, you're making sure that you're going to be around long enough to do just that. However, you can enjoy the benefits of forgiveness so long as you forgive and remember.